escalation

Contentment has been replaced by fear. Constant and unrelenting anxiety with a splash of tired. Heck, if my whole head was above water I would have a party - for now I am excited if both nostrils are out there. But, if I survive to the end of next week of work, and my internal medicine exams, I get two whole weeks of no call. Oh yeah. Happy dance time.

juice berry free days

Every day for the first weeks - month of my internal medicine rotation I packed myself a little container of fruit juice gummy berries from our Costco stash in my lunch. Often, those sweet little berries got me through the day. I would think about them sitting there in my locker, and wait for the moment I got to taste them, or sometimes I would forget that I had them, and then, oh the joy when I remembered that I did! No matter how it went, they were a pick-me-up, and I needed to pick myself up quite a bit.

On Friday afternoon, I was walking through the hospital basement, I realized that I had gone at least a week without the berries! And, I didn't even miss them! More importantly I realized that I had enjoyed my week at the hospital. Yup. I enjoyed working on the cases we had, and the teaching sessions that we were having (even the daily 7am ones we just decided to add), and really getting involved in patient-care. But what changed?

I think I am finally able to concentrate a little less on my own actual survival, and a little more on everything else. I am moving up Maslow's hierarchy of needs it seems. I feel confident that I am able to breathe, eat, maintain homeostasis with less conscious effort. I also feel a little safer, and a little more belonging, and might even be able to muster the beginnings of esteem. This last week I was able to get more involved in patient management and care, which turns out to be a bit more fulfilling than just surviving. Although still might not be contributing to many conversations, at least I am understanding a few more of them - one step at a time I guess.