waiting for marvy.

Well, Marvy's estimated arrival date is (was) today. I suppose he/she still has a few hours, but I don't think it's going to happen. Even if my labour started this minute, it would be pretty fast to be done by midnight!

I am trying not to be impatient, considering I am only at my due date today, but I have been off work for almost 4 weeks now, in limbo the whole time, and I am ready to move on! I realized the other night that my state of mind is similar to what I would I would feel before my last in a long line of exams. I'm not quite ready, but I am tired of getting ready, I'd rather just bring it (labour) on, and take it as it comes. Also it is getting really hot again. Turned on the AC tonight for the first time.

I do have lots to appreciate though. Obviously. At the end of this waiting I get the sweetest prize, not just a break from classes. I continue to feel lucky that I have had such a smooth and healthy pregnancy, that I am in a situation in life in which I can feel excited and positive about becoming a mother, and that I have family and friends that are so excited for us, and supportive of our new "nuclear" (as our little cousin Hugh would say) family.

C'mon Marv, we are really excited to meet you!

the business of growing.

“In the bulb there is a flower, in the seed, an apple tree;

In cocoons, a hidden promise, butterflies will soon be free!
In the cold and snow of winter there’s a spring that waits to be,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.”
Hymn: In Every Bulb there is a Flower (Nannie's favourite)

Kyle and I just finished a lovely dinner on the picnic table that he made this spring. It is the perfect temperature outside right now (maybe a tad cool for my old self, but not for my current state) and the bugs are very minimal. We are lucky to have such a great yard. We even ate a handful of raspberries straight off the bush for dessert!

This year we have planted a little vegetable garden too. It seems to be growing along alright. By the end of the week I think we will be able to have a salad with our lettuce, and I noticed the first little peas on the stalks tonight.

a new set of firsts.

written June 30, 2010

“It OK to do what you know in your heart to be right.
You’re allowed to be scared, you’re allowed to be frightened,
But we’re almost there and you’re nearly enlightened.”
-The Terror Pigeon Dance Revolt

Today is my last day of going to work…for a year. I know, I know, its not that I am not going to be doing any work for the next year, but you know what I mean, this morning was the last morning for me to wake up and prepare for going to the hospital, to see patients, and learn medicine and all that goes with it.

I have been anticipating this last shift for a little while now, (and truth be told, counting down to it mostly excitedly) but today, the fact that tomorrow will be my first day of maternity leave, as opposed to my first day of my second year of residency is seeming a little CRAZY. This year will be the first year since pre-preschool that I have not been in school/training, and since I don’t really have any memory of pre-preschool, I can say that I have been schooling for literally, as long as I can remember. As Alex says, for her entire life she has only known me to be working to learn in a formal setting of some kind.

For the past few years, as I have approached the next stage of things, I have blogged about preparing for life “pauses,” about taking a deep breath and plunging into clinical training, and putting the rest of life on hold, or at least secondary to succeeding as a student/resident. I have to say that I am thoroughly excited this time to be pausing the formal training to cultivate the rest of it. I have anxieties just the same – Will I be good at labour? How will I find the energy to be up every two hours? What if I don’t like breastfeeding? Will I be patient enough? Consistent enough? Is it possible to be the kind of mother I want to be, and the kind of doctor I want to be? Will I get lonely? Will I forget everything about medicine? Will Kyle and I get to spend time and energy on the two of us? But, if I have learned anything from all this “learning” that I do, it is that there are challenges ahead that I anticipate, and those that I don’t, and there are rewards in similar categories. There will be times when I feel inadequate, and want to give up, but I will still make it. I am strong, and I have fantastic support.

Just stay aware, communicate, and ask for help.

It will be a big transition for Kyle and I, to be considering our family, another generation, instead of just ourselves, but we are so excited for the transformation.