a new set of firsts.

written June 30, 2010

“It OK to do what you know in your heart to be right.
You’re allowed to be scared, you’re allowed to be frightened,
But we’re almost there and you’re nearly enlightened.”
-The Terror Pigeon Dance Revolt

Today is my last day of going to work…for a year. I know, I know, its not that I am not going to be doing any work for the next year, but you know what I mean, this morning was the last morning for me to wake up and prepare for going to the hospital, to see patients, and learn medicine and all that goes with it.

I have been anticipating this last shift for a little while now, (and truth be told, counting down to it mostly excitedly) but today, the fact that tomorrow will be my first day of maternity leave, as opposed to my first day of my second year of residency is seeming a little CRAZY. This year will be the first year since pre-preschool that I have not been in school/training, and since I don’t really have any memory of pre-preschool, I can say that I have been schooling for literally, as long as I can remember. As Alex says, for her entire life she has only known me to be working to learn in a formal setting of some kind.

For the past few years, as I have approached the next stage of things, I have blogged about preparing for life “pauses,” about taking a deep breath and plunging into clinical training, and putting the rest of life on hold, or at least secondary to succeeding as a student/resident. I have to say that I am thoroughly excited this time to be pausing the formal training to cultivate the rest of it. I have anxieties just the same – Will I be good at labour? How will I find the energy to be up every two hours? What if I don’t like breastfeeding? Will I be patient enough? Consistent enough? Is it possible to be the kind of mother I want to be, and the kind of doctor I want to be? Will I get lonely? Will I forget everything about medicine? Will Kyle and I get to spend time and energy on the two of us? But, if I have learned anything from all this “learning” that I do, it is that there are challenges ahead that I anticipate, and those that I don’t, and there are rewards in similar categories. There will be times when I feel inadequate, and want to give up, but I will still make it. I am strong, and I have fantastic support.

Just stay aware, communicate, and ask for help.

It will be a big transition for Kyle and I, to be considering our family, another generation, instead of just ourselves, but we are so excited for the transformation.