The fact that I was finished my third year didn’t really dawn on me until about dawn on the day I finished third year. And, I think that was good timing, as along with the realization came a really big wave, a tsunami really, of emotion, and there was no way that I would have been able to accomplish any studying in the state I was in. Mostly it was excitement and relief, but as is usually the case with such challenging and rewarding tasks, the end was accompanied by a potpourri of positive and negative emotions. As I left the house for one more morning ophthalmology clinic, and then one more afternoon exam, I felt like I could burst into tears if I let myself – tears of what? I am not really sure. I went to the clinic (my experience there could actually be symbolic of the year as a whole, but that is another story) and then I wrote the exam. I got to share the moment of being finished with my classmate Maya, who I had also shared the terrifying first moments of the first day of the year with. We were acquaintances in September, but since then had survived Internal Medicine, Psychiatry, Emergency, Orthopedics, Dermatology and Ophthalmology together and are now incredible friends. I dropped off a couple pieces of remaining paperwork I had to hand in. And that was that. I was done.
I rode my bike home from VGH just the same as any other time this year – except for the fact that I felt like there was a marching band parading from my chest to my abdomen. I imagine that what I was feeling just then is similar to what you feel in that time between when you find out that you are pregnant, and when you start telling other people. I wanted to just yell out “I made it! I made it! Waaaahhooooooo!” But I didn’t. And to everyone else I looked the same as I did riding home the day before. I am fairly certain I wasn’t actually glowing. “Just don’t get run-over,” I thought to myself – “what a waste that would be.” But as I think about it now, I am not sure that I wasted too much at all last year, although it didn’t always feel that way. I learned a lot about myself and about life, and I developed many skills and observed many more that I would like to develop. It was a very useful year.
Kyle was very congratulatory, but it was actually quite challenging for the two of us – who are usually very in sync. While I was getting ready to finish my year and start my vacation at camp, Kyle still had two weeks of Obs/Gyn left – which included a few call shifts with no sleep, an oral exam and a written board exam. With two weeks left in the year for everyone else, there was no party or gathering, and I was left with time to myself to try to identify the whirl of thoughts and emotions in my head.
The feeling that predominated the most was that of accomplishment. There were times in the year, especially at the beginning, when I didn’t know how I was possibly going to make it. But I did – and I was proud of myself for all the sweat and tears it took. I also felt that not only had I survived, but I had learned and more importantly I had grown. I do (thank goodness) know more about prevention, diagnosis, and treatment of disease. This is a good thing. I am also more confident because of this knowledge, but also in my ability to learn things, and my potential to impact the people that I work with (patients and colleagues). I realize that I have strengths – I am good at procedures that require composure and dexterity, I am good at working as a member of a team, I am a good listener, people appreciate my practical thinking and my down to earth style of interacting with patients. I have weaknesses – I don’t know all the details of pathological processes, nor am I that motivated to learn them a lot of the time, I am bad at remembering antibiotics, I second-guess my knowledge too often, I allow my mood/ sense of success to be swayed too much by what other people think/say, I function best with a decent sleep. There are things I like – kids, taking care of patients, multi-disciplinary teams, procedures, variety, flexibility. There are things I am not so fond of – internal medicine, not being able to follow-up with patients, respiratory secretions, academic minutiae, discharge summaries, lack of ownership for one’s own health. I am braver and tougher physically and emotionally. I feel lucky that I get to meet people from every walk of life. I am in a positive place. I am eager to learn more.
