like a tiger

I hadn't seen Nannie and Grandad for at least a few weeks, despite the fact that they actually live on my route home from the hospital, so, today, on the way home from a very quiet day at the hospital I stopped to visit. It was the third time that I had visited the lodge by bike, and each time I wonder about how appropriate my bike shorts are for the resident population. It's not like I am going to stop wearing them, but for a group of lads and lasses who went to elementary school in a time when it was unusual for girls to wear pants, I understand how the little spandex might raise a few eyebrows. The three of us visited until it was time for dinner, and as I dropped Nannie off at her table on my way out, the fact that I was riding a bike home seemed to be quite interesting and impressive to the ladies. After much encouragement and many well wishes for a safe ride I turned to leave, just as the little lady in the corner remarked, "nice tooshie." Apparently the bike shorts raised at least one set of eyebrows.

the midst of it

written 09.24.07

"She asked me what it had been like, and although I tried to tell her, I realized that it had not been like anything, and I could not."
- Roy in The House of God by Samuel Shem

So I haven't posted in a while, but I've thought about it a lot. I've thought about what to call my next post, or what the topic should be or whether I should write about my day, or my time so far as a medical student intern, or what I am feeling, or what I have learned, or whatever. Each time one or more of the following things happened, preventing me from putting fingers to keyboard:

1. I got too sleepy
2. I got too apathetic
3. I couldn't articulate the thoughts in my head
4. The idea that I had in the morning somehow became irrelevant during the course of the day.

Right now I am on call, and after reading everyone else's blog (it makes me feel less lonely), I decided it was time to buckle down and add to my own.

I don't think that I can sum up the last three weeks - less because so much has happened, and more because I don't know how to. I started my 3rd year of medicine (a.k.a. clinical clerkship, a.k.a. medical student internship) in internal medicine at Royal Columbian Hospital in New West - handy as I am living in Burnaby right now. My first day seems like a million years ago, and it felt horrible, even though nothing bad happened. I was on call, and 28 hours seemed like an eternity to survive. My pager didn't actually go off all night, but I woke up every 45 minutes because I was so anxious about missing it/what I would do if I heard it. Three weeks, six call shifts, 3 days off, a bunch of ups and downs and a million thoughts since then - I don't hate it, but I don't love it.

I spend lots of time thinking about whether my negative feelings are actually because I don't like medicine, because I don't like internal medicine, or I don't like things that are really hard, and promise to be that way for a long time. I am leaning mostly towards that last option today. It appears that after 20 years of being a student, in a classroom, taking the classroom out of the equation can be rather daunting. Figures.

My weekend was fantastic! I had two days off in a row for the first time since we started, and I filled my time doing enjoyable, comfortable things. Visiting friends, snuggling, studying, eating, and Bard on the Beach!

the ants go marching two by two

Preparing to start third year while not knowing much about it other than the fact that it is really busy, kind of feels like you are preparing for the end of your life. Over-dramatic? Perhaps. But seriously, it kind of feels that way...except not as sad. While I realize that I am preparing for a temporary (I hope) life-end - a life-pause - over the last few days I have found myself wondering if I would prepare for a permanent life-end any differently. I don't suppose that I would. I imagine that I would spend my time close to home, with people that I love, doing peaceful activities that I enjoy. No seven world wonders tour for this girl.

My long-weekend was fantastic. Friday night we had friends Aaron and Jieppe and their new little baby Peter over for dinner. I got to rock 18-day old Peter to sleep, which tickled me pink! Saturday Kyle and I packed up drove to Joffre Lakes Provincial Park where we hiked to the base of the glacier and camped overnight. Our timing was perfect, as it stayed dry for us the whole time we were at camp, and then started raining about half an hour into our two hour hike back to the car. Today I got to have lunch with Britt (my sister) and Leisha, ironed all of my professional clothing (which didn't take long because I don't have very much) and cleared off my desk for the start of another year. We even got the fire-place in the family room going for a while this afternoon. All good things. So, although I am really nervous, at least I am feeling content about hitting pause tomorrow morning.